Raising children across two cultures and faiths

In the 2021 census, 1.7 million people in England, 3.0% of the population, described their ethnic group as Mixed or Multiple. In the US, 33.8 million people, 10.2% of the population, identified with two or more races in the 2020 Census. Many more children are growing up with parents of different faiths, languages or countries.

Raising them well isn't about getting a perfect balance between two cultures. It's about agreeing as parents what you want them to have, and giving it to them on purpose. These are the questions worth talking about before children arrive, ideally before you marry.

What to decide, and when

Some decisions come with a deadline. Knowing which ones saves arguments in a maternity ward.

Names

A name carries a lot: family, faith, language, sometimes a grandparent's memory. Questions to settle:

• Will the first name come from one culture, both, or neither?
• Is there a naming tradition to follow, such as a grandparent's name, a religious naming ceremony, or a name chosen by a particular relative?
• Will the surname be one parent's, both, or a new one?
• Can both families pronounce it? Does it mean something unfortunate in either language?

Many families give a first name from one heritage and a middle name from the other. Whatever you choose, agree it before the birth registration appointment, not at the desk.

Faith and ceremonies

This is often the biggest question. Couples choose differently:

• One faith, usually with the other parent's blessing and involvement in festivals.
• Both faiths, with children learning about and taking part in each.
• Neither formally, with children exposed to both and free to choose later.

Whichever you choose, decide on the ceremonies that come with it, such as baptism, circumcision, naming ceremonies, first communion and bar or bat mitzvah, and on religious classes or faith schools. Our guide to interfaith relationships has more questions to work through.

Languages

Children can grow up with more than one language, but it rarely happens by accident when the wider world speaks only English.

• Who will speak what? Many families choose for each parent to speak their own first language consistently.
• What about grandparents? They may be the best teachers, and the most motivated.
• What support will you use? Weekend language schools, faith classes, holidays with family, books and shows in the language.
• How will the parent who doesn't speak it stay included? Learning alongside the children is one answer.

Our guides to dating when you don't share a first language and bilingual relationships in Hispanic families cover how couples manage two languages day to day.

Festivals and food

Which festivals will your children grow up with? Many cross-cultural families keep both sets and gain a fuller calendar. Decide whose family hosts what, and how you'll explain each festival's meaning, not just its presents. Food rules (halal, kosher, vegetarian, no alcohol) need agreeing for the family kitchen too. See festivals and dating and planning around faith-based food choices.

Schools

Faith school or not? Which faith? Supplementary schools for language, religion or culture at weekends? Admissions rules differ from school to school, so read each school's policy early.

Location matters too: living near a community that shares one parent's heritage can make a big difference to how a child feels about it.

Grandparents and the wider family

Grandparents often want to pass on what matters to them. That can be a gift or a battleground. Agree your approach as parents first, then talk to both families together if you can. Give each set of grandparents a meaningful role: teaching a language, cooking family recipes, taking the children to a festival.

If one family lives abroad, plan regular video calls and visits, and let the children hear the language from the people who speak it best.

Writing it down: a simple family agreement

Some couples find it helps to write their decisions down, not as a contract but as a reminder of what they agreed when things were calm. A one-page note might cover:

• The faith or faiths the children will grow up with, and which ceremonies you'll hold.
• Which parent speaks which language at home.
• The festivals you'll keep, and where you'll spend them.
• Food rules in the family kitchen.
• The role you'd like each set of grandparents to play.

Revisit it every year or two. Children change what's possible, and so do you.

Identity and belonging

Mixed heritage children may be asked "where are you really from?", be told they're not "really" one thing or the other, or face racism from either side. Things that help:

• Talk about identity openly and early, in age-appropriate ways.
• Let them see both sides: books, films, toys, food, music and people that reflect each part of their background.
• Learn practical skills you may not have grown up with, such as caring for your child's hair type or skin.
• Listen when they tell you about unkind comments, and back them up.
• Let their identity be theirs. Children may feel closer to one side at different ages. That's normal.

If you separate

No one plans for this, but couples from different countries in particular should know that disagreements about a child's faith, schooling or where they live can become very difficult if a relationship ends.

In England and Wales, taking a child under 16 abroad without the consent of everyone with parental responsibility, or a court's permission, can be a criminal offence under the Child Abduction Act 1984. The UK and the US are both parties to the 1980 Hague Convention on international child abduction. If you ever face this:

• Get advice from a family solicitor before making decisions.
• In the UK, the charity Reunite International advises parents on international parental child abduction.
• In the US, the State Department's Office of Children's Issues handles international parental child abduction.

Start the conversation early

You don't need every answer before you meet the right person. But knowing what matters most to you, and saying it early, saves heartache. Our guides to talking about religion in the first few dates and dating across cultures are good places to start.