In short
Second-generation singles, the children of immigrants raised in the country their parents moved to, often date between two sets of expectations: parents who hope for a partner of the same faith or heritage, and friends and workplaces with different norms. It helps to decide what you want to keep from each culture, stop hiding a serious relationship once you're sure, and look for someone who understands both sides.
| Second generation | Born or raised in the country your parents moved to |
|---|---|
| Born outside the UK, England and Wales | 10 million people (16.8%), Census 2021 |
| Decide first | What you want to keep from each culture |
| Hiding a relationship | Gets harder the more serious it becomes |
| If pressure becomes force (UK) | Forced Marriage Unit, 020 7008 0151 |
If your parents moved to Britain or America and you grew up here, you probably learned two sets of rules early. One for home: how to greet your elders, what not to mention at dinner, which festivals mattered. One for everywhere else. Dating is where those two sets of rules collide most often, and most painfully.
You're in good company. In the 2021 census, 10 million people in England and Wales, 16.8% of residents, were born outside the UK, and many of their children are now dating.
What does "second generation" mean?
Second generation usually means the children of immigrants who were born, or raised from early childhood, in the country their parents moved to. People who moved as children or teenagers are sometimes called the 1.5 generation. Many second-generation people speak a heritage language, the family language used at home, with varying confidence.
Two sets of hopes
Many immigrant parents hope their children will marry someone of the same faith, language or heritage. The hope usually has reasons behind it: wanting grandchildren who share the family's faith, wanting to be able to talk to their son- or daughter-in-law, wanting a partner whose family they understand, and sometimes worry about what the community will say.
Meanwhile your friends, colleagues and the apps on your phone assume you'll choose a partner freely and introduce them when you're ready. Neither world is wrong. But living in both means making choices your parents and your friends may not fully understand.
| What home may expect | What the outside world may expect | What helps |
|---|---|---|
| Family involved early, sometimes before a first date | Introduce a partner only once it's serious | Decide your own timeline and say it out loud |
| A partner of the same faith or heritage | Any partner you love | Work out which parts matter to you, not just to them |
| Marriage as the goal of dating | Dating to see where it goes | Be clear with dates about what you're looking for |
| Privacy about relationships | Openness on social media | Agree with a partner what gets posted |
The secret-relationship years
Many second-generation singles keep relationships from their parents, sometimes for years. It can feel like the only option, especially when you're young or unsure. It also has costs:
- For your partner, being hidden can feel like being ashamed of them, especially if their own family knows about you.
- For you, the stress of managing two stories, and the risk of being found out in the worst possible way.
- For your parents, finding out by accident is usually far more painful than being told.
Example of what you might say to a partner: "I want my parents to know about you. They'll worry about faith and what the family will say, so I'd like to tell my sister first and my parents after Eid. Can we talk about it again then?"
Signs it's time to stop hiding
- You're talking about living together, engagement or children.
- Your partner's family knows you and yours doesn't know they exist.
- You're inventing stories to cover weekends or holidays.
- A sibling or friend already knows and is tired of keeping it quiet.
Our guide to introducing a partner to your family covers how to plan that conversation.
"Not enough" of either culture
A lot of second-generation people feel too Western for their parents' community and too "ethnic" for everyone else. On dates this can show up as:
- Being asked to explain or defend your culture by someone who sees it as exotic.
- Being judged by someone from your own background for how you speak your heritage language, how you dress, or how religious you are.
- Not knowing which version of yourself to present in a profile.
There's no right amount of culture to have. Decide what you want to keep, such as language, faith, food, festivals or family closeness, and say it plainly. Our guide to writing a profile about culture and faith helps with the wording.
Within your community, or outside it?
Some people find that dating someone of the same background is easier: shared jokes, shared food, parents who already know what to expect. Others find their closest connection is with someone else who grew up between two cultures, even a completely different pair. "You get it" can matter more than "you're the same".
If you date outside your background, the conversations in dating across cultures and interfaith relationships will help. If you date someone who moved here as an adult, expect differences too: they may be closer to your parents' outlook than yours on some things, and further on others.
Guilt, gratitude and your own life
Many children of immigrants carry a strong sense of what their parents sacrificed. That gratitude can make it hard to disappoint them. A few things people find useful:
- Separate respect from obedience. You can honour your parents' sacrifice without letting them choose your partner.
- Listen to the worry under the objection. "They're not Muslim" may really mean "I'm afraid my grandchildren won't know their faith". That is something you can talk about.
- Give it time. Parents often move further than they think they will, once they know a partner as a person.
- Find your people. Siblings, cousins and friends in the same position are often the best advisers.
What to look for in a partner
Whatever their background, a good partner for someone living between two cultures tends to:
- Ask about your family's culture with curiosity, not as a novelty.
- Understand that your parents' feelings matter to you, even when you disagree with them.
- Accept a timeline for meeting your family without treating it as a verdict on them.
- Have their own view on faith, food and family, and say it honestly.
- Want to learn a few words of your heritage language, or at least the names of your relatives.
When family pressure becomes control
If family pressure ever becomes threats, control of your money or phone, or pressure to marry someone you don't want to, get help. That is not a cultural disagreement; it may be forced marriage or honour-based abuse.
- UK: Forced marriage is illegal in England and Wales. The government's Forced Marriage Unit can help on 020 7008 0151, and the charity Karma Nirvana runs a helpline on 0800 5999 247. In an emergency, call 999.
- US: The National Domestic Violence Hotline is on 800-799-SAFE. In an emergency, call 911.
Finding people who understand both sides
Community events, faith groups, university and professional societies, and dating sites all help. Our guide to finding singles events in your culture or faith community has ideas, and our guides to British Asian dating and Asian American dating look at how second-generation singles in those communities meet. On Just Singles, joining and browsing are free.
Join Just Singles free
Free to join and browse. Reading and replying to messages is paid.
Questions people ask
Is it normal to hide a relationship from my parents?
It's very common among children of immigrants, especially early on or when you're unsure where a relationship is going. It becomes harder, and more hurtful to a partner, the more serious things get. Many couples agree a point at which the secrecy ends, such as before moving in together or getting engaged, and plan the conversation from there.
Should I only date people from my own background?
Only if that's what you want. Some people find a partner who shares their background easier: shared food, jokes and parents who know what to expect. Others connect best with someone else who grew up between two cultures, whatever their heritage. Be honest with yourself about which matters more to you, sameness or understanding.
How do I stop feeling guilty about my parents' expectations?
Recognise what your parents gave up and what they hope for, then decide what you want for your own life. Respecting your parents doesn't require doing exactly what they want. Talking to siblings or friends in the same position often helps, and so does listening for the worry under an objection, which is often easier to answer.
What's the difference between second generation and 1.5 generation?
Second generation usually means you were born, or raised from early childhood, in the country your parents moved to. The 1.5 generation describes people who moved as children or teenagers, so they remember the first country but grew up mostly in the new one. Both often feel at home in two cultures, and sometimes in neither.
How do I explain to a partner why I can't tell my parents yet?
Be honest about the reasons and the timescale rather than leaving it vague. Explain what you expect your parents' worries to be, that it says nothing about how you feel about your partner, and what would need to happen before you tell them. Then keep your word: a plan with no end date tends to feel like rejection.
Keep reading
- How to talk about religion in the first few datesHow to bring up faith in the first few dates: what to say, what to ask, what to avoid and what to do if you disagree.
- Introducing a partner to your family across cultures and generationsHow to plan, prepare for and recover from introducing a partner to a family that may expect someone different.
- Interfaith relationships: questions to talk through earlyThe questions interfaith couples should talk through early: practice, conversion, the wedding and the law, children, festivals and family.
- Finding singles events in your culture or faith communityWhere to find culture and faith singles events, what to check before buying a ticket, and how to go alone and stay safe.
Sources
- International migration, England and Wales: Census 2021 (ONS)
- Forced marriage (GOV.UK)
- Helpline (Karma Nirvana)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (US)
Checked 18 October 2026. Spotted something out of date? Tell us.