First-date safety: a practical checklist

Most first dates are fine. Some are lovely. A small number are awkward, and very occasionally one goes wrong. The habits below cost you nothing on a good date and make all the difference on a bad one. None of them requires you to treat your date as a suspect.

Before the date

Do a quick check. Look for the ID-checked badge on their profile, and if there isn't one, have a short video call first. Our guide on why a video call comes first explains how to ask. It confirms they look like their photos, and it's the single best filter for fake profiles.

Choose the place yourself, or together. Somewhere public, busy and preferably familiar: a cafe, a pub with staff who'll notice you, a market, a gallery. Avoid anywhere remote, anyone's home and anywhere you'd struggle to leave.

Tell a friend. Who you're meeting (their profile name and a screenshot), where, and when you'll check in. Agree what happens if you don't: a call, then a text, then whatever you've agreed.

Keep your details back. Your surname, workplace and home address can wait until you know someone. Use the site's messaging, or an app that works from a username, until then.

First-date places that work

A good first-date place is public, easy to reach, easy to leave and quiet enough to talk. Some ideas:

Places to avoid for a first date: anyone's home, a car, anywhere remote, and anywhere you'd need them to drive you back.

What to share, and what to keep back

A first date is for finding out whether you like each other, not for handing over your life story. It's normal to talk about work, family, what you do at weekends and what you're looking for. It's sensible to keep a few things back until you know someone better:

• your home address and the street you live on;
• your workplace by name, if it would let someone find you;
• your children's names and schools;
• anything about your finances.

None of this is about suspicion. It's how most people date, and someone who is genuine won't notice.

Getting there and back

Make your own way, both directions. It means you can leave whenever you want and your date doesn't learn where you live. Check the last train or bus, and keep enough charge on your phone for a taxi app.

During the date

If you start to feel much drunker than you should, or suddenly unwell, tell the bar or venue staff straight away, stay with people you trust and don't leave with the person you suspect. In an emergency call 999 in the UK or 911 in the US.

Consent, plainly

Consent means both people freely agreeing, every time, and being free to change their mind at any point. Having met someone, kissed them or gone home with them doesn't mean agreeing to anything else. Someone who is very drunk can't give real consent. If a date pushes past a "no", or tries to make you feel you owe them something for dinner, that's a red flag, and it's a reason to leave. Our guide to red flags and green flags covers pressure in more detail.

If you're the nervous one

First-date nerves are normal, and they're not a safety risk. A few things help:

• Arrive a few minutes early so you can settle in.
• Have two or three things you'd like to ask them, just in case.
• Keep it short: an hour is a perfectly good first date.
• Remember they're probably nervous too.

Leaving early

You can leave any date at any time. You don't need a reason, and you don't need to finish the drink. A simple "Thanks, I'm going to head off now" is enough.

If you feel uneasy, go to the staff, stay in a public area and call your friend or a taxi. You don't have to be certain anything is wrong to act on it.

After the date

Text your friend that you're home. If you'd like a second date, say so; if you wouldn't, a short, kind message is better than silence. Our guide to ghosting and going quiet has wording for both.

If anything about the date worried you, report the member from inside the members area and block them. If something more serious happened, the services below can help, whether or not you want to involve the police.

Help if something went wrong

United Kingdom

• Emergency: 999
• Rape and sexual abuse (England and Wales): the 24/7 Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line, run by Rape Crisis England and Wales, on 0808 500 2222
• Domestic abuse: National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge), 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours

United States

• Emergency: 911
• Sexual assault: RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline, 800-656-4673
• Domestic violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233

Before things get serious

Safety isn't only about the first date. If a new partner becomes controlling, jealous of your friends or frightening when they're angry, take it seriously. Our guide to red flags and green flags covers the signs. In England and Wales, Clare's Law (the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme) lets you ask the police whether a partner has a history of abuse.

Everything else, including where to report scams, is on our safety page.