How to tell if someone is really single

Here's the uncomfortable truth first: no dating site can check whether someone is single. Not Just Singles, not anyone. There is no register to look up, and a profile that says "single" is exactly as true as the person who typed it.

What you can do is read the pattern. People who are married, living with a partner or "on a break" tend to date in a way that protects the other relationship. The limits show up early, they don't move, and they always come with a reason. Once you know what to look for, you'll see it in days rather than months.

Why it's hard to spot

Someone who is attached isn't usually a criminal mastermind. They're often charming, attentive and very good company, because the time they give you is the time they've carved out. That's what makes it confusing: the hours you do get can feel better than average.

It also helps to know what "really single" means here. Being single means being free to see where things go: no partner at home expecting them back, no relationship they're hoping you won't hear about. People can be recently separated and genuinely single. They can't be living with someone and genuinely single, however they describe it.

The signs, in order of how much they tell you

One sign on its own proves nothing. Two or three that don't ease over time are worth taking seriously.

Single parents, shift workers and carers can tick some of these boxes for good reasons. The difference is that they explain, and the limits move as trust builds. A single dad who can't do Saturdays will say why and suggest a Wednesday; three months later you'll probably have met the kids, or at least heard plenty about them.

Questions worth asking early

You don't have to be clever. Ask plainly, early, and pay attention to the answer you get rather than the one you wanted.

• "Are you single, and what are you looking for?"
• "When did your last relationship end?"
• "Do you live on your own?"
• "What does a normal weekend look like for you?"

These are ordinary first-date questions. Someone who is available answers them without effort. Watch for answers that are longer than the question, very vague ("it's a long story"), or turn the question back on you. Our guide to saying what you want has ways to raise it without sounding like a cross-examination.

Use the tools you have

On Just Singles you've got three tools that make hiding harder.

• The ID-checked badge. It doesn't prove someone is single, but it shows they are who their photos say, under their own identity. People with something to hide tend not to bother. The ID check, explained covers what it does and doesn't prove.
• A video call. Five minutes on video, at a time that suits you both, shows you a real face in a real room. Someone who can never manage it, or only ever at 1pm from a car park, is telling you something. Our guide on why a video call comes first explains how to ask.
• Meeting in public, soonish. Weeks of messaging with no date in sight is a pattern of its own. People who are available want to meet.

"It's complicated" and other phrases

Some things people say when they aren't free:

• "We're basically separated, we just live together for now."
• "We're in an open relationship" (when it hasn't come up before).
• "I'm not ready to label anything."
• "My phone's always on silent, it's a work thing."

Some of these can be true. Separations can be messy, and open relationships exist. But they all mean the same thing for you: someone else has a claim on this person's time and loyalty, and you didn't get a say. On a site for single people, that's a decision they made for you. You're entitled to make a different one.

A quick checklist

After three or four dates, ask yourself:

• Have we met at a weekend or in the evening?
• Have we spoken on the phone or on video, at a normal time?
• Do I know roughly where they live?
• Have they mentioned friends or family by name?
• Have they ever made a plan more than a week ahead?
• Could I message them on a Saturday and expect a reply?

If most of these are a yes, you're probably dealing with someone who's available and simply taking their time. If most are a no, and every no comes with a reason, take that seriously.

If you're not sure

Give it a little time and watch whether the limits ease. A useful test is to ask for one ordinary thing a single person could easily do: a Saturday afternoon walk, a phone call in the evening, a photo together. If the answer is always no, with a fresh reason each time, you have your answer.

If you find out they're attached, stop. You don't have to win the argument. If they lied about being single, report the profile from inside the members area so the next person doesn't go through the same thing, then block them.

When it's more than dishonesty

Most people who lie about being single are just selfish. Occasionally the pattern is darker: someone who controls when you can contact them, gets angry when you ask questions, or isolates you from friends. Our guide to red flags and green flags covers controlling behaviour. In England and Wales, the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, known as Clare's Law, lets you ask the police whether a partner has a record of abusive behaviour.

And if a "single" person you've never met keeps finding reasons not to video call and then asks for money, it's not a hidden spouse. It's a scam. Report Fraud warns people to be wary of excuses for avoiding in-person meetings or live video calls. Our romance scams guide explains what to do.