Red flags and green flags in dating

Nobody is perfect on a first date. People are nervous, talk too much, laugh at the wrong moment. None of that matters. What matters is the pattern that shows up over the first few weeks: how someone treats you, how they treat other people, and whether what they say matches what they do.

A red flag is a pattern that predicts someone will treat you badly. A green flag is a pattern that predicts the opposite. Both are more useful than chemistry for working out whether someone is good for you.

Red flags worth taking seriously

One wobble isn't a pattern. Two or three of these, especially early, is worth acting on.

The money rule has no exceptions. Someone who asks for money before you've met is almost certainly running a scam. Our romance scams guide explains how they work.

Not being single is a red flag too. On a site for people who are actually single, someone who's attached has made a decision for you. Our guide on how to tell if someone is really single covers the signs.

Flags you can spot before you've met

You don't have to wait for a date. Messages show patterns too.

Report Fraud warns people to be cautious of someone who forms a relationship very quickly or expresses strong emotions early on, and to be wary of excuses for avoiding live video calls. Those are the two message flags most worth acting on. Our guide to spotting a fake profile has more.

Control is more than a red flag

Some behaviour goes beyond "not right for me". Controlling someone, through checking their phone, limiting who they see, controlling money, threats or constant humiliation, is abuse.

In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is a criminal offence under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own domestic abuse laws that also cover controlling behaviour.

If this is happening to you, you're not overreacting, and help is free and confidential:

• UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge), 0808 2000 247, 24 hours. Men's Advice Line, 0808 801 0327.
• US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233.
• Emergency: 999 (UK) or 911 (US).

In England and Wales you can also use the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Clare's Law) to ask the police whether a partner has a history of abuse.

Green flags that matter more than chemistry

Green flags can look a little boring next to the fireworks of someone intense. That's often the point. Steady and kind is what a good relationship feels like day to day.

On Just Singles, a small green flag is the ID-checked badge: it shows someone was willing to prove they're the person in their photos. It's not a character reference, but it's a sign they're not hiding.

Quirk or pattern?

A useful test: does it affect how they treat you, or just whether you fancy them?

• Quirk: they're always ten minutes late, but they text to say so. They're nervous and talk a lot on a first date.
• Pattern: they're always late and annoyed when you mention it. They talk a lot and never ask you anything.

If you're unsure, ask a friend who knows you well. People outside the bubble see patterns quickly.

What to do about a red flag

1. Name it, to yourself. "He gets angry when I see my friends" is clearer than "he's a bit intense".
2. Don't wait for it to fix itself. Early red flags rarely shrink.
3. Step back if you need to. You can end things by message; you don't owe an in-person explanation.
4. Report and block on the site if someone was dishonest, pressured you or asked for money.
5. Get support if you feel unsafe. The services above can help even if you're not sure it counts.

Where to go next

If you're early on, our guides to first-date safety and why a video call comes first cover the practical side. If it's going well, the exclusive talk is the next conversation. Our safety page has everything in one place.