Dating as a single parent, without the guilt

Single parents date for the same reasons as anyone else: company, fun, and the hope of a real relationship. What's different is the logistics, the guilt that can come with taking time for yourself, and the extra care you take because your choices affect your children too. None of that is a reason not to date. It's a reason to do it with a bit of a plan.

Be upfront that you have children

Say on your profile that you have children. It's not a weakness to hide until date three; it's one of the most important facts about your life, and anyone who wants a relationship with you needs to know it. Being clear at the start filters out people who don't want that, which saves you time and heartache.

Just Singles profiles have a field for children, and you can add a line in your own words:

"Two kids, mostly with me during the week, so my free evenings are Fridays and every other weekend. Looking for something steady."

That tells a match what they need to know without giving away anything that could identify your family. Our guide to writing a profile has more on saying what you want plainly.

What to keep private

Share that you're a parent; keep your children themselves out of it until you know someone well.

No photos of your children on your profile, and none sent in messages to someone you haven't met. It's sensible privacy, and it keeps their images out of places you can't control.

Be wary of anyone who seems more interested in your children than in you early on, asks to meet them before you've met properly, or offers to help with childcare almost straight away. Most people who ask about your kids are just being kind. Still, a match who is pushy about access to your family is a red flag, full stop. Our guide to red flags and green flags covers the wider pattern.

Finding time without the guilt

The practical side is often harder than the emotional side. A few things that help:

• Use the time you already have. Evenings when the children are with their other parent, a lunch break, a coffee during school hours.
• Short dates are fine. An hour's walk or a coffee is a real date. You don't need a whole evening.
• Keep things going between dates with messages or a video call once the children are in bed.
• Be honest about your limits. "I can't do last-minute plans, but I can do Thursday" is attractive, not awkward.

As for guilt: being happier yourself is good for the people around you. Taking a couple of evenings a month for your own life is not taking anything away from your children.

First dates: away from home

Meet somewhere public and busy for the first few dates, and get there under your own steam. Don't invite a new match to your home, or go to theirs, until you've met several times and know who they really are. Tell a friend where you're going. The usual first-date safety checklist applies, with one addition: keep your address to yourself a little longer than you might if you lived alone.

Checks you can make

Most people you meet will be exactly who they say. Even so, a few checks are open to you, and using them is sensible, not suspicious.

Check the person is real. A video call before you meet, and a quick look at whether their photos and story hang together. Our guide to spotting fake profiles explains how, and the ID-checked badge shows who has matched a photo ID to a live selfie. The badge is optional, so no badge doesn't mean fake, and it confirms identity, not character. See the ID check, explained.

In England and Wales: Clare's Law. The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, usually called Clare's Law, lets you ask the police whether a partner has a history of domestic abuse or violence. The Home Office guidance calls this the "right to ask". You can apply in person at a police station, by phone or online, and a friend, relative or professional can apply out of concern for you. The guidance sets a maximum of 28 days for police checks, unless there are exceptional circumstances. Police decide whether to share anything, and if they do, they tell the person best placed to protect you, usually you.

In Scotland: the Disclosure Scheme for Domestic Abuse Scotland. Police Scotland runs a similar scheme. You can apply online, at a police station or by calling 101, if you or someone you know may be at risk. If you apply on someone else's behalf, police will make any disclosure to the person at risk, not to you.

In the US: the national sex offender search. The Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Public Website (NSOPW), a partnership between the US Department of Justice and state, territorial and tribal governments, links the public sex offender registries so you can search them in one place. It only covers what each registry publishes, so it's one check, not a clean bill of health.

If you're ever worried about your safety or your children's, call the police on 999 in the UK or 911 in the US.

Introducing a partner to your children

There's no set timetable, but there is a sensible order:

1. The relationship comes first. Wait until it feels settled and you both see a future in it. For most people that means months, not weeks.
2. Talk to your children before they meet. Keep it simple and age-appropriate: someone you like spending time with is going to say hello.
3. Tell your co-parent, if you have one. You don't need their permission, but they'll appreciate not hearing it from the children first.
4. Start short and low-key. A walk, a trip to the park, a pizza. Not a holiday or a sleepover.
5. Go at the children's pace. Some warm up quickly, some take a long time. Neither means it won't work.

A good partner will be patient with all of this, and will understand that the children aren't a hurdle to get past but a big part of your life.

When it's time to get serious

As a relationship grows, the questions get bigger: how much time together, whether to merge holidays and weekends, and eventually whether to live together. Our guide to saying what you want helps with those conversations, and the exclusive talk covers the step before.

You deserve someone who likes your whole life, children included. Taking things at a steady pace is how you find out who that is.